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shame is good for you.
01 July 2005 @ 12:51 am
I'm too fuckin tired to write right now but tomorrow highlights shall include:

1) lost red converse shoe in the creek by hart park.
2) summerfest
3) drunk girl at summerfest
4) awkward awkwardness
5) drunk guys on park and ride.

Mmmm sleep, so good.
shame is good for you.
29 June 2005 @ 07:33 pm
Okay how fucked up is this?


This guy has a rabbit and is going to eat it tomorrow. He wasn't going to eat it if he got 50,000$. He got 26,000 I think.

So tomorrow he is eating this rabbit because he didn't get all the money.

What the fuck is WRONG with these people?

Off to smoke. Cigarettes. This is the first day in a long time where I've smoked by myself, because I'm fucking stressed out.

I know what happens is right, and thats the only thing keeping me from doing stupid things.
shame is good for you.
29 June 2005 @ 12:05 am
i sat in the summer rain
thinking about you
my thoughts consumed
by what i cannot do.

hunger hurts,
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
cause i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
i got to fold cuz these hands are
too shaky to hold
hunger hurts,
but starving works
when it costs too much to love

and i went crazy again today,
looking for a strand to climb
looking for a little hope
baby said he couldn't stay,
wouldn't put his lips to mine,
and a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
i said, "honey, i don't feel so good,
don't feel justified
come on put a little love here in my void"
he said "it's all in your head",
and i said "so's everything"
but he didn't get it
i thought he was a man
but he was just a little boy.
shame is good for you.
28 June 2005 @ 01:31 pm
Ryan Foti tore his ACL! Its just a travesty.

This just sucks. What am I suppose to do on Friday nights now?

Damn you Fotot and your bum leg.

Lets mourn the lost of Fridays at Foti's.

Didn't go to bed until 5:45 this morning.

It was worth every second.
shame is good for you.
28 June 2005 @ 05:18 am
At 5am I feel like I can save the world.

if only i could save you.
shame is good for you.
27 June 2005 @ 02:20 am
Oh I love staying up until 2:20 am. Such a rush. Reminds me of being at school.

Feeling slightly better but very defeated. And now as I told my doctor...

YES! I WILL take it easy.
and YES! I WILL stop drinking coffee and soda
and YES! I WILL eat better and start exercising more
and by god YES! I WILL stop smoking..

What have I gone and done? Smoked half a pack tonight in the car, drank an Americano and am sitting up v. late eating chocolate. Go me. I try, you know, so hard. To be productive and everything. What did I do tonight? Not a whole lot.

I did get some good entertainment laughing about the little girls at Pius who crush on Emilio. And did have some good times importing CDs like NSYNC, the Cabaret soundtrack, some old school Greenday and the soundtrack to Empire Records.

Had dinner at the aunt's house. Had some good laughs, a couple stand out. Kids, this is where my genes come from.

1) my uncle Bill getting t-r-a-s-h-e-d with his friend Roger, and comparing who had the best job. Well, I don't remember what Roger did but my uncle at the time dug sewers. So they got into a fight, Roger pulls out a gun and shoots my uncle in the ass. Yes. In the ass. So Bill chases him away and the cops come. Bill is drunk and pist off and he ends up knocking one or two of the cops down the stairs and knocking one in the head. Apparently this got into the newspaper, a long time ago when they had the Funnies. Way to go Uncle Bill. Explains why ALL of your kids are FUCKED UP.

2) my aunt complaining about how my dad constantly whined, all the time. Hmm, explains where I got it from.

3) my da lived with his parents until he was 28. *stare* Yes. 28. That's also the year he got his drivers lisence. *stare* He finally got kicked out and went to live with a few of his friends. So Ron was an arms dealer, and had a permit and everything. But he kept forgetting to put the permit up in the apartment, he finally did, thank god. So one day my dad hears someone knocking on the door, and its two big cops and they ask to see Ron. My dad looks around... the cops and or feds had blocked off the entire street. So my dad lets them in and they say over the radio "We're going into the residence". They question my dad and the other guy there and they figure out... Ron had ordered a shipment of ammunion and nobody was home when it was delievered. So the woman was asked to sign for it.. and she wouldn't. She thought that a bunch of terrorists were living next door so she called the cops. So thank god that permit was up, because the second they saw it the cops just laughed. Another good story was Ron got a package from South Africa I think, or some African country. It was a metal box and there was wood around it like a crate. They're halling it up stairs and Ron turns around and sees that something is coming out from the wood, and it's like small balls and trailing down the steps. He starts to freak out... he's probably the person who would bring some insect parasite into the United States and kill off the population or something. He calls my dad and my dad starts to freak out because of his books etc. So he comes home and he sees this stuff trailing all the way up the steps. He gathers some of it and takes it to the museum. Apparently, it was the shit of large centipedes. Large centipedes had gotten into the wood and crawled around, and were long dead but their shit remained. Ron didn't believe him so he burned the entire package.

Why did my da have to get boring?

Theres another good story about how they were living with this guy Bob. They're still good friends, infact Bob is the only reason we have Rum in the house, because thats his drink of choice. Sidestory: Bob told me that when he was younger he would go to lesbian bars and get kicked out, and he would go to gay bars because they had good drink specials, so he would sit with the homeless guys in the bar and pound back drinks. And he told me about the first time my dad got real trashed, they were in Washington DC and they just left a bar and my dad was stumbling and started talking to a rat in an alley, saying "Hi Mr Rat. How are you doing?"

Anyways, Bob picked up a girl and took her back to a hotel. He calls my dad back at their apartment at like 2 in the morning. He is drunk. He tells my dad that he picked up a girl and took her back to a hotel and at the moment of truth he finds out that she is a he. Quote: I was so distressed I didn't even hit the motherfucker, I just told him to get out. Apparently my dad had to drive to the hotel and collect a very sad and depressed Bob.

I love it. You can't make this shit up.

Okay now I'm getting slighly tired and should go to sleep.

Oh, if you have Myspace, check out my pictures. I went photoshop crazy.
shame is good for you.
26 June 2005 @ 03:06 pm
I don't remember who I was with, maybe it was EJ and Zach and maybe Heidi?, I don't know, but remember we saw some teenage boy walking on Washington from Harvard Market and he had his IV cart and he was smoking a cigarette in his hospital garb?

That was me last night.

Good ol cigarettes, making my heart work more than it needs to.

My male nurse took me out and had one himself and then proceeded to bitch to me.

*puff* Cigarettes are going to kill you *puff* young lady. I started when I was *puff puff* 12 and haven't stopped. *puff* I've tried, seriously, I don't even really like the taste of cigarettes *puff puff puff*. If your doctor knew I was out here *puff* smoking with you, I would be fired. *puff*

He liked to pause a lot.

Anyways, I'm slightly alive after spending the night. I'm tired and cranky and going to go take a nap.
shame is good for you.
24 June 2005 @ 02:34 am
Played Bingo tonight. Won nothing. Whats new.

Instead of figuring out what the problem was with my computer and Quicktime and the scanner, we just bought a new one! Thats the way I take care of my problems... get a new one.

This theory works on many levels. Like a guy? Don't worry, just get a new crush. Lost a book? Buy a new copy. Someone broke your heart? Get a new one.

See how that works?

I think I shall live by this rule from now on. Got a crappy life? Get yourself a new one.

Mmm, that one.. not working for me yet.

"why are you always so unhappy? tears are unbecoming."
"because you always love the person you cannot have and you spend your life convincing them that you are worth it."
shame is good for you.
23 June 2005 @ 01:23 am
Can I just say, for the record, that Mac computers and actually Apple in general can die a SLOW and PAINFUL death RIGHT NOW.

Yeah, right now.

Because this fuckin G5 has given me so much fuckin trouble. I sat here.. for an hour and a half.. on DIAL UP downloading this Quicktime update, hoping it would solve ALL my problems.

And no, it still doesn't work.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Damnit.

So while I post on fuckin Apple discussion boards and hope that some computer geek is up at 1:25 in the morning to respond with something I can actually understand.. I fill out a survey.

If I don't figure out whats wrong with this computer, I'm pretty sure I'm being voted out of this family tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure thats whats happening, because nobody is going to respond to me at 1:26 in the morning.

Shit motherfucker shit fuck shit.

+ Known as: Rachel or Rach
+ Lives in: Milwaukee
+ Birthday: april 26, 1986
+ School: minnesota-twin cities
+ Religion: the one known as rachel's world.
+ Shoe size: 9
+ Hair color: various
+ Eye color: blue
+ Style: har har. you tell me.

* section 2 - have you ever... *
+ Cheated on someone?: yes
+ Been Cheated on?: yes
+ Fallen off the bed?: yes
+ Broken someone’s heart?: i wish
+ Had your heart broken?: yes
+ Had a dream come true?: no
+ Done something you regret?: things i probably should regret i don't.
+ Cheated on a test?: yes

* section 3 - currently *
+ Wearing?: my minnesota sweatpants and my dinosaur dash t-shirt
+ Listening to?: the loudness of this fucking g5 thats going out the window soon
+ Located?: my living room
+ Chatting with?: no one
+ Watching?: deadwood
+ Should REALLY be doing? sleeping

* section 4 - do you... *
+ Brush your teeth?: yes
+ Have any piercings?: yes
+ Drive?: no... lets rub it in shall we?
+ Drink?: yes
+ Smoke?: like a smoke stack thankyouverymuch
+ Got a cell?: yup

* section 5 - the last person you... *
+ Hugged?: i dunno
+ Kissed?: no one.. in a really really long time.
+ IMed?: zach
+ Talked on the phone: mary
+ Yelled at?: haha. my dog.

* section 6 - personal *
+ What do you want to be when you finish college?: alive (amen)
+ What has been the best day of your life?: i just keep thinking of the dashboard song. i have a good collection of those days.
+ What comes first in your life?: friends
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: no/no/no
+ What are you most scared of?: being alone
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: things ive done wrong
+ Did you lose someone you really loved?: yes. too many times for one person
+ How many times have you fallen in love?: once
+ Love your family?: yes
+ Love your friends?: most def

* section 7 - favorite *
+ Movie: at the moment? um crash
+ Song: at the moment, fuckin Heaven on their minds from JCS
+ Band: i could not pick a single band, it would be like picking one star from the heavens.
+ Store: target
+ Relative: my cousin sparky
+ Sport: har har, how you jest.
+ Ice Cream Flavor: mint chocolate chip
+ Fruit: peaches
+ Candy: almond joy
+ Day of the Week: friday
+ Time: nap time of course
+ Color: blue
+ Name for a Girl: isabella or ava
+ Name for a Boy: harbour or horatio

* section 8 - do you *
+ Like to give hugs?: yes, but i like to receive them more
+ Like to give kisses?: yes
+ Like to walk in the rain?: if its warm
+ Prefer black or blue pens?: blue
+ Like to travel?: yes
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back?: all of the above
+ Have a goldfish?: no
+ Ever have the falling dream?: yes
+ Have stuffed animals?: yes

* section 9 - what do you think about... *
+ Abortion: my body my choice
+ Suicide: very touchy subject
+ Smoking: my favorite pasttime.
+ Eating disorders: does it look like i have an eating disorder? no.
+ Summer: not so bad.
+ Tattoos: i've got two and hopefully more on the way.
+ Piercings: i have a few, i like them

* section 10 - this or that *
+ Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
+ Single or taken?: single
+ MTV or BET?: mtv
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek?: dawson's creek
+ Sugar or salt?: sugar but ive grown fond of salt, especially with my tequila
+ Silver or gold?: silver
+ Chocolate or flowers?: flowers
+ Color or Black-and-white photos?: black and white
+ M&Ms or Skittles?: skittles
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: both
+ Hot or cold?: hot
+ Mustard or ketchup?: neither
+ Spring or Fall?: fall
+ Happy or sad?: sad
+ Wonder or amazement?: wonder
+ Mexican or Italian: mexican
+ Candy or Soda?: soda
+ Pepsi or Coke?: coke

Nobody is going to respond to my post on the apple website and then I will be voted off the island.

Fuckin Macs.

If anyone has any idea how to work a fuckin Mac, I'm at the point where I will fly your ass over here to fix it.

I'm not a fuckin wizard with computers, I don't know why my parents think I am.
shame is good for you.
21 June 2005 @ 11:06 pm
"I don't like stubby pipes"

That leads to major geekout material. A) because I'm a 5th grader and B) who uses the word stubby?

And who goes around a roundabout just to make a U turn? NOBODY! Except a certain someone who, had a good geek out session. Always love that.

Anyways good times kids, good times.

As much as I hate being home, moments where things are good makes it worth while. And when I push the bullshit away, its okay.

I get depressed because sometimes I think I'm better than the shit that goes down. Because in my head I'm still in grade school and even high school; getting pushed aside and getting that mentality that "I'm better than this". Because thats what happens... when you aren't involved in the cool shit going on, or you are getting pushed around by drama, you start to think.. I don't need this, I'm better than this.

In reality though, I am not. And I have to get over that. Just like I have the perfect guy in my head; I'm never going to get that. And its okay. I just don't want to be reduced to scum because I'm not outstandingly beautiful, I have more than enough "love" to go around, I'm not like typical girls that get upset over little little shit and because I have a personality.

I have flaws, I know. We all fucking do. But why is it so difficult for me to be attached to someone? Are all the guys I like that superficial?


Oh so its just going to be a big fuckin vicious cycle for the rest of my life? Yup.

No, thank you god.

Awesome. Great. A+ team.

(God I love being bitter in my livejournal. Yes folks... I really am like this in real life. Get used to it.)

Bed I suppose. Maybe some late night fun. I have to get up early though, which is rough. Rough I tell you. Not 6am rough, but rough. Chella needs her beauty sleep.

But of course, I still look beautiful despite lack of sleep. Har har.

Oh that Rachel. How she jests.

Night chickadees.